Todd was late for church.
"Goddammit!" Todd said, circling the parking lot for the third time.
"You know what?" Todd thought to himself, "Screw it." He pulled his Range Rover into a handicap parking spot and killed the engine. "Jesus could heal the crippled. Maybe he can help them find parking."
He studied himself in the rearview mirror, making sure that his tie was straight and then giving himself a sly smirk upon realizing how sharp he thought he looked. "I'm looking sharp," he thought.
Hurrying towards the sanctuary, Todd glanced at his watch. He was almost half hour late. Surely his wife would be none too pleased. "Tiffany's gonna bitch," he thought, "I'm never gonna hear the end of this one."
When Todd walked in, Pastor Mike was already halfway through his sermon. It was something about something called the Beatitudes, and Todd was pretty happy that he missed the first half of it. Pastor Mike's sermons could be really really boring sometimes. He was sorry that he missed worship, however, because the blond girl who leads the worship team is really, really hot.Tiffany gave him a look that confirmed Todd's fears that she was going to bitch at him and ensure that he would never hear the end of this one.
After Pastor Mike's sermon was over, finally, he asked for the congregation to bow their heads for a moment of silent prayer. Todd closed his eyes, and began wondering what the score of the Niners game was. He needed them to win by at least six-and-a-half points. Then he remembered he was supposed to be praying. "Oops... Dear Jesus, please smite the homosexuals and get rid of all the Muslims. Oh, and, if it's not too much to ask, can you please do something about the Mexicans?"
"Amen," said Pastor Mike.
Pastor Mike explained that the time had come to pass the collection plate. He said it was especially important because of some missionaries in some country Todd had never heard of needed it to feed some children or something. The ushers came forward, took the collection plates, and quickly surrounded the congregation.
When the ushers came to the pew before the one where Todd was sitting, Todd reached into his wallet to see what he was could leave for God as a tip. He saw a five dollar bill and three singles. Todd pulled out the three singles and reached for an envelope so no one would see that he only left three dollars. But then, Todd started to think.
"You know what I think?" thought Todd. "I think I'm gonna leave a lil' somethin extra this week. It sure has been a nice week; the weather's been real nice, and the kids haven't gotten outta line." Todd reached back into his wallet for the five dollar bill. He put the three singles back in.
"I'll tell you what, big guy," he said to himself, using "Big Guy" as a euphemism for the creator of the universe. "There's plenty more where that came from, as long as you keep Tiffany off my back for bein late to church, and make sure the Niners beat the spread. And see if you might be to squeeze in a couple rounds of golf for me this week."
The collection plate passed in front of Todd. He placed the five dollar bill in the collection plate. "Keep up the good work, buddy." Suddenly he began to wonder if God had to split his tips with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. He began to think he should've given all eight bucks. He remembered back to his days waiting tables at TGIFriday's. Five bucks really ain't much, he thought, if God still has to tip out Pastor Mike, the altar boys, and the lady who plays piano whose name Todd couldn't remember. He told God that he'd get him back next week.
Todd glanced at the program to see what was next. It was the Benediction. Todd didn't know what a benediction was, but he knew it was favorite part of the church service because it meant that the service was over. The congregation stood up, and Pastor Mike raised his hands and said a prayer. After he said Amen he invited everyone to the church softball game to see if they would beat the Episcopalians.